beyond stress to defeat

it's been 5 years since my husbands first amputation, we've gone from him working full time to not being able to work at all.  Making me the bread winner to our family of 4 on a career that I went back to after being a stay at home mom for 18 years.  Lets say Im overwhelmed.

But just when you think things can't get worse, they start garnishing my pay for his medical bills, 30% of what I earn, gone !!  How do I make ends meet?   We're reapplying to disability ever 12 weeks without success, and all of his short/long term disability has ran out.  Lawers have no sympathy for my plight.

After battling stress I've finally seen my physician for depression.  Crying uncontrollably at the drop of a pin, and at my desk was not helping me cope with life.  The crying has stopped, Im numb towards the things I can't change.  His health, no money, and time I can't give because there's only so many hours in the day.

Currently Im trying to find my way around resentment, don't get me wrong I know he doesn't choose to be sick,  And I know he appreciates me taking care of him,  but seriously everytime he puts a chip or a piece of candy in his mouth all I can think, is, that's how we got here in the first place.    He needs me, and I give with my heart, I want to be the one he leans on.    But in the meantime, I've put my life on hold and I don't think he makes it easier to accept when Im the only one careing for him...he's not caring for himself.   The resentment builds.

I  can certainly understand where you are coming from. I am in a different state but have great frustration. I am 45 years old taking care of my 83 year old father who has Parkinson's Disease. A mother who is 78 years old and has Alzhiemer's Disease, Biplor and Arthritis in both knees. I am part of the sandwich generation because I still have two teenagers at home as well. Though my husband does help me some I do most everything for both of my parents. I am one of five chilren, two help and two don't, the excuses are unreal. I am the durable power of attorney for them both. So everything falls to me, Doctors, hospitals, nursing home, assisted living, money, the selling of their home, etc. I also work a full time job. So you can see I have enough on my plate to keep all five children busy. But most all the time it is all left up to me. I get so depressed and overwhelmed that I could scream and I have many times. I have had to go to my Doctor because of the stress and depression. There are times I have been ready to go to a mental institution myself. My Doctor knows all the stress I am under and he has been a wonderful listener and help. He has me on a very small dosage of Xanex and this has helped me from the feeling of hurting myself or just leaving and not coming back. But I still at times, would love to sell everything I own to move to 3 states away and leave everything up to my siblings. It is very tempting to do that to get out from under the stress. If I thought my siblings would take good care of my parents I would do it. But I know they would not. I am afraid of what would happen to them.

I have tried to get my father on VA assistance but he was turned down. I have am currently trying to get my father on Medicaid since he is in the Nursing Home. I am expecting that to be turned down to. But I know that I will have to get a Miller Trust for Medicaid to help pay for the Nursing Home expense. I am worried myself sick over all this as well. They do not have the funds for me to see an attorney about all this. I have had to do all the leg work by myself. I did have a little help from a sister and brother in law but that has been very little.

You can do some research to see if there are any programs that the Government can help you with. There are computer jobs that your husband may can do while in his wheelchair. Such as Customer Service over the phone or through chat. If he does not know about computers then he can always get training and then try to get a job doing that. It would help you both out. If that is not an option then do try to research for assistance in other ways through the internet. You may be surprised what you can find.

Good luck, I hope you are able to find some relief from some where. Believe me, I know how hard life can be when you feel you are giving everything you have and then some. Then to have people want more out of you. I am there myself and I feel like if I can find any cabin in the woods that I could be a Hermit. Right now that sounds like the life to be away from everyone and not have so many people put so many demands on me and my time.