in need of support

I have been struggling for about 7 months over my husband's on-line/texting infidelity with multiple other women.  We have sought help and taken marriage classes through our church and things are much improved from where they were months ago, I still struggle with anger.  What is most troubling to me is that I have difficulty controlling my behavior when I get angry.  I lash out and, sometimes, say things that berate him.  I don't want to to this anymore...it doesn't help, it only hurts both of us.

I would like to be able to just "accept" what has happened.  I'll work toward forgiveness, with time. 

Sometimes, I suspect that I am blowing things out of porportion.  I have created some images that I know are not real.  I didn't see ANYTHING, but my mind sees it.  I didn't find anything that suggests he cared about any of these women, but I spend time obsessing about it (even our therapist keeps telling me that he doesn't think my husband had any feelings toward these people).

More than anything, I want to stay married.  I truly love this man.  We have a child together and have been married 11 years.  My world was torn apart when I found out what he had been doing.  He is genuinely remorseful and willing to do anything to repair the damage he has cause me, our marriage, and our family.  He is so willing, he signed over every piece of property, every assest we have, to me and, signed a post-nup to provide all financial support for both myself and child, in the event  of divorce, regardless of the cause.

So here is a question, for those with experience...will I ever feel good again?  Will there really come a day when I don't think about what happened?  Will I ever regain my self esteem?  I used to be a successful professional...not anymore...just really depressed.

Advice?

C

My heart goes out to you. It truly does. I have been in a relationship that, at first, was what I have always dreamed about and wanted. Then, he was unfaithful. Not only was he unfaithful, but he lied about it. I contracted an STD shortly thereafter and have to take a suppression medication daily. He has never acknowledged what happened. The best I have ever gotten from him was "I am sorry you got hurt."

The fact that your husband has given what seems like so much on this end to try to make it work says volumes. If you know that he is truly remorseful, then you have to decide within yourself whether or not you can forgive him and go on. That doesn't mean forget, it means forgive. When the ugly thoughts come into your head, replace them with a beautiful one.

Concentrate on what it is that you two do and have shared. Remember that he is giving all that he has to try to make up for his wronging you. Remember also, that there is no excuse for infidelity on any level, but that we are all human and make mistakes. Infidelity and unfaithfulness are some of the worst because they hurt so very badly and on a sometimes soul reaching level.

Remember also that nothing you did made him be unfaithful. That is a choice that we all make independently. There may have been problems, but choosing to talk about them and deal with them with the person you have made a commitment to is much easier and honorable than infidelity.

You will feel better. You are beautiful. Things will get back to normal. Find comfort in a good girlfriend, faith or counseling.

In the meantime, remember you are not alone. I love my significant other more than I have ever loved another in my life. It hurts me he will not acknowledge what happened outright, even though he has in other ways. On the other hand, he is working so hard and has shown me that he is truly sorry. AND he shows me (not just tells me) that he loves me in a million different ways every single day.