10 Signs You Married the Wrong Man
All couples find each other maddening at times, and it's certainly not uncommon to have occasional disagreements and spats. But if you're miserable more than you're not, and you increasingly find yourself wondering if the guy you're sitting across the table from is the same guy you married once upon a time, it may be time to reassess your future with him.
"I don't really believe in the 'married the wrong guy' scenario very often," says marriage counselor Lisa Rene Reynolds, Ph.D., author of Still a Family: A Guide to Good Parenting through Divorce. And, she adds, if both parties are willing and open, counseling can be effective in supporting the relationship. But there are certain clear signs that in fact you may be married to the wrong man. Consider the reality that the guy you're with may not be the right one if:
1. Your family and friends all dislike him. Opinions of friends and family shouldn't be the be-all-end-all; however, if those who know you best all dislike your husband, it should make you question why.
2. You constantly have to make adjustments in your behavior and feel like you are going against your core. "You may feel like you have to change your personality in order to please him," says Irina Firstein, LCSW.
3. He is abusive physically or verbally toward you. Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated. If your husband is abusive, it's time to walk away.
4. He's addicted to drugs or alcohol, or is a serial cheater, and shows no signs of wanting to be rehabilitated. "He may have a serious addiction and yet refuse to acknowledge or seek help for the addiction," Reynolds says.
5. At the end of the day, you don't like your partner. "And if you don't respect him or look up to him, that's not a good sign," Firstein says. "If you don't like the way he conducts himself, that's not good."
6. You look at your friends' relationships and consistently find yourself feeling envious and wishing that your relationship wasn't so damaged.
7. Your spouse lets his friends or family members make all his decisions without consulting you. "And he cannot or will not accept and work on the marital unit as the primary decision making unit," Reynolds says.
8. Your anger escalates to unprecedented levels. "For instance, you may find yourself yelling and sarcastic with him all the time," Reynolds says. "This usually indicates numerous issues that are not going to change, despite your attempts to communicate them to him."
9. You start to hate who you have become. Reassessing yourself every now and again is a healthy means of compromise. However, self-loathing is never an element of a healthy relationship.
10. You're feeling constantly stunted. "The right relationship makes you a better you," Firstein says. "It should push you in a positive direction and in the direction of growth." Adds Reynolds, "If you feel like you are not really reaching your life goal when you are with this person, that is a bad sign."
Before you decide to call it quits, though, take a step back and take stock. In some instances, there could be a way to work things out, especially if it's early. "If caught before both partners have shut down, grown emotionally distant, and built huge walls of resentment, marriage counseling and efforts to continue changes at home can be very effective in supporting the relationship and making it tolerable," Reynolds says.
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