Getting older can take a toll on your sexual appetite. And if you're in a relationship where you and your partner have different sexual needs, frustration and tension can result.
Often, it's the woman who experiences a diminished sexual appetite, experts say. "It's extremely common for a woman entering menopause to have less sexual desire," says Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST, clinical director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles. "Their hormones are dropping, they have lower estrogen, and they typically are not experiencing the same arousal they did during the childbearing years."
Men, too, may find it takes them longer to get an erection than it did when they were younger, says Mary Jo Rapini, M Ed, LPC, a psychotherapist and author. "As men age, they lose testosterone, and their erections may feel different," she says. "Their sex drives change." If you and your partner are finding that you are not on the same page about what the two of you want out of your sex life, try to:
1. Reflect on what you both want out of sex. If it's no longer about making babies, then what is it about and what can you both gain from it? It's a topic worth hashing out. "There is a positive emotional connection that deepens when you have a good sex life," says Katehakis.
2. Communicate your sexual needs to each other. Women may simply need more stimulation and foreplay in order to get aroused, Katehakis notes. But once they get it, they're in the mood for sex. "It's sort of like going to the gym," she says. "You don't really want to go, but after you do, you are glad that you went."
3. Recognize that your body is not going to respond to sexual advances as it did
when you were in your 20s. Many people attempt to have sex when they are in their 40s the way they did when they were much younger, Katehakis says. But, she notes, "You can have the most meaningful sex of your lives if you are willing to develop who you are as a sexual being. It's about developing one's sexuality over time."
4. Talk with your partner about your sexual feelings, Rapini advises. "If you talk about if and focus on it, you will actually find yourself having sex more often," Rapini says. "The more you can talk about sex with each other, the better."
5. Don't necessarily focus on the act of intercourse itself. Sometimes, just snuggling, hugging, and kissing can be enough. "Get to know each other's bodies again," Rapini says. Experiment with different textures, such as feathers, or use oils on each other's bodies, Rapini suggests.
6. Give yourself one two-hour slot per week for sex, Rapini says. Use it for
exploring each other's bodies, she suggests. "You want to keep each other's
bodies loved and healthy," she says.
7. Shop together for sex toys, Rapini says. "Take a Saturday morning shopping trip with your laptop," she suggests. "Maybe he picks out one and you pick out one. Anticipate their arrival together."
8. Consider using a vaginal cream or gel. Having sex isn't fun if it hurts, so use products that can help alleviate vaginal dryness, Rapini says.
9. Keep in mind that you are actually doing your body a favor if you have sex. Sex can help lower a man's prostate cancer risk and it ensures that you have a lower risk for heart disease, Rapini says.
