Are You Just Not Interested?
A lack of interest in your partner can make you feel a range of emotions: guilt, frustration, sorrow and anxiety chief among them. Whether it's been a long time coming or it's seemingly overnight that you find yourself simply not caring anymore, a disinterest in that someone who's been so incredibly special in your life usually occurs for one or more reasons.
Identifying the reasons for why you've cooled off can go a long way toward helping you regain those feelings of connectedness and rekindle the romance the two of you once shared.
Exhaustion can often pave the way toward lack of interest, says Connecticut-based family therapist Lisa Rene Reynolds, Ph.D. With today's insane schedules and everyone working harder than ever to hold down their jobs, it's easy to become fatigued to the point where you just can't even pretend to be interested anymore. "If one partner is exhausted and not interested in sex, the other partner can assume that there is something wrong with the relationship," Reynolds says. And this can spark feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in the other person.
A lack of communication can also contribute to no longer being interested in someone. Couples tend to ignore small issues, or to just get mad at the other person rather than opening up the topic for discussion.
Being overly focused on the children can pull a couple apart so insidiously they don't even realize it's happening, says Irina Firstein, LCSW, a couples counselor based in New York City. "Having a child can make a couple become disconnected in various ways and it just grows and gets bigger," she says. "It can start to feel like it is just simpler to move apart."
Simply not spending enough time with each other can make interest wane on both sides, says James Wadley, Ph.D., a marriage, family and sexuality therapist. "When you spend time together, you start to feel comfortable about revealing certain aspects about yourself," he says. As you scale back the face time, you also reduce the time for building on your relationship.
Rekindle that Fire
Here, Solutions for how to get back on track and be interested in each other once again.
●Talk to each other about issues and problems as they crop up. "Rather than let something fester, or getting passive aggressive, make time to talk," Reynolds says. "Just ignoring it exacerbates the problem and promotes the negative emotions."
●Resolve to be committed to each other, says Firstein. "You both need to make moves to change your behaviors," she says. "It is a step by step process that requires a lot of mental, psychological and physical commitment."
●Once you resolve to commit to each other, turn off the TV and talk. Be willing to touch and to have physical contact, Firstein says. You might actually have forgotten just how good that can feel.
●Be honest and open with your partner, and don't hide behind the excuse of busyness or lack of leisure time. That said, be honest with yourself: if you can find time for everyone else in the world, why not your significant other? He was once the most important person in the world to you, and through hard work and commitment, you can make this happen again.
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