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Q: Sex with a new partner is always disappointing. What can I do about it?

A: That moment can sneak up on you, sometimes brewing for years, other times seeming the next natural step, but no matter how it happens, you both feel it, want it, know it's right, that kiss and arm around you different this time, that glisten in the eye, the softening of the face, and so you make love. But afterwards it doesn't seem so right; the earth didn't move, you fumbled, you felt unsure, and you want to roll back the clock and start fresh.

Sound like your experience with first-time sex in love? It's not unusual to feel that thump of disappointment. And if you have been underwhelmed, don't jump to conclusions that "maybe you aren't right for each other." The fantasy that it's going to be the love-making of the century is just that-a romantic fantasy, fed by movies and romance novels. A disappointing first-time is not proof that you've chosen the wrong person.

My best sex advice is this: The truth is, mutually satisfying, thrilling, respectful sex takes some time. Yes, it's true that some first-time love-making can reveal a hidden, not so pleasant side of a person. For example, you might be shocked at your partner's domineering and selfish personality, or you might discover that your partner has sexual performance problems or requires pornography to get aroused.

But for people who are emotionally mature and capable of love, the wisest way to avoid first-time sex disappointment is to regard mutually satisfying sex as a work in progress. After all, your sexual arousal preferences are not printed on your forehead. Your sexual response is unique to you. In fact, you might not even know everything about what you need for sexual arousal.  Partners also have different styles. Even variations in height and weight can affect your pleasure. And, oh yes, just plain old nerves can impair your satisfaction. 

But don't despair. Here is sex advice to help you make your first time memorable.

1. Don't expect the best sex of your life. Go ahead, keep that spark in your heart, but in the back of your mind also keep a realistic and mature approach. Don't use the expectation of great sex as the litmus test that you have chosen the right person. Great sex evolves over time.

2. Get a sense of humor and a sense of fun. Laugh at those missteps and discomfort. So you touched your partner in a way that didn't work or you belched-or worse!  Make a pact to replay a "do-over." And don't be afraid to be silly. Dance around the room, do naked karaoke, act out your favorite movie sex scene. Mutually satisfying sex is how adults play-and connect emotionally.

3. Pretend it's not your first time together. In your mind tell yourself that you've made love a few times already and feel very comfortable communicating your needs and being with this person. The brain is a very pliable organ. It can respond neurologically in virtually the same way to both imagined and real experiences. Athletes, for example, discovered that imagining their moves improved their actual game. Visualizing and fantasizing that you are doing something "primes" the brain and makes neurological connections for success that you can then activate when you are really engaging in an activity-including sex!

4. Don't rush into sex the moment you each feel that it is right. One great way to make your first time together pleasurable is to discuss in a public place your sexual needs and fears. Talking about sex over a candle-lit dinner can be very sexy in itself. If possible, wait a day or two before you make love. The anticipation builds, and you avoid seeming to be "mechanical."

5. Communicate, communicate. Tell your partner what you like, ask your partner about his or her preferences. You don't have to be a traffic cop and give harsh, cold commands. A simple moan or the words "yes" or "more" might be all you need. One recommendation I've mentioned previously is to "Play School" where you each take turns being the Teacher and the Pupil about sexual techniques, positions, and anything else that is important sexually.

Above all, have fun!

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, ED.D., MSS is a noted psychologist and licensed clinical social worker, specializing in relationships.  For her book about women and love, she welcomes women to take her 17-20 minute online research survey at www.lovevictory.com. Also on her website, if you donate $5 to Habitat for Humanity-Sarasota, Florida, you can receive a download of her relationship advice cartoon book for women, "The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie."