If sex unsatisfying, don't rush to point the finger your male partner. In fact, the blame could be put on none other than yourself. All too often, sexual misunderstandings can be cleared up by better communication, experts say. If you want to jump start your sex life, see which of these mistakes you're guilty of, and what you can do to right them.
1. Not communicating what they need. "[Women] don't tell their man what is stimulating and pleasurable to them," says Karen Sherman, Ph.D., author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last and 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life, Vol 2. "Women also don't always understand why men want to have sex." Men connect emotionally through sex, Sherman says. "A woman may think that the guy doesn't care, and that all he wants is sex, but when a man initiates sex he is trying to reconnect emotionally."
2. Thinking if a guy doesn't want sex, there is something wrong with one of you. Not true, says Rapini. "Guys do have emotions about sex, and sometimes, if they are stressed or worried, they do not feel like having sex, period," she explains. It's not a reflection on you, she says. Try not to take it personally, and realize that desire in both men and women can be connected to emotions.
3. Not realizing that men are very visual when it comes to sex. If your guy wants you to wear a sexy camisole or bra that he bought for you, it does not mean he is perverted or dysfunctional, Sherman says. So indulge your guy once in awhile, and put on that sexy nightie he got you for your birthday.
4. Worrying out loud about their bodies too much. And during sex, men don't want to have to reassure women about perceived body flaws, says Mary Jo Rapini, an intimacy and sex psychotherapist. "If a woman points out some problem with her body, the man feels that this is a distraction and tends to notice these problems even more," Rapini says. "If she doesn't say anything, he doesn't notice it or think about it." Realize that no one has a perfect body, and relax. Focus on your partner and try to put negative body image thoughts out of your mind.
5. Assuming that if a guy doesn't ejaculate, then he wasn't satisfied. "Couples should realize that there are all different kinds of a sexual experiences," Sherman says. "And not every experience has to be love making." Sometimes just cuddling together is enough, she says. So don't stress out if your man doesn't reach orgasm. It doesn't mean that he's headed in the direction of erectile dysfunction. And realize that there are other kinds of sexual experiences. "Find other ways to be intimate," Rapini says. "You can kiss, hold hands, or just have a glass of wine and sit in the park together at night."
6. Using sex for the wrong reason. It's all too common for women to use sex as a bargaining chip to get something else from the guy, Rapini says. Women may have sex to please the guy, or to have him think she is something she's really not, or to ensure security. Not a good idea, she says. Initiate sex or respond to your partner's desire for sex when you are in the mood. In the long run, it pays to be truthful with your man.
