A lagging sex life doesn't have to be a chronic, incurable condition. Whether you've been married for a long time and have kids together, or you're a busy, stressed-out single with no time for sex, there are effective (and fun) strategies to help to rekindle the romance and add some sparkle to your sex life.
"Lack of interest in sex is almost the number one complaint that I see with couples," says Lisa Rene Reynolds, Ph.D., author of "Still a Family: A Guide to Good Parenting After Divorce." "But there are many things you can do to spice up your sex life."
Here, the top 12 fixes.
1. Keep in mind that the brain is the most important sex organ. "When it is stimulated, your sex life will be better," Reynolds says. Stimulating the brain could take the form of watching porn, using sex toys together, watching each other get undressed, or reading porn to each other.
2. Communicate with each other. "A lot of people have never talked to their spouse or partner about what their ideal night would be with the each other," Reynolds says. "Talk to each other about this. A lot of times, you have each other's fantasies all wrong."
3. Take a yoga, belly dancing or pole dancing class, says Mary Jo Rapini, M. Ed., LPC, the author of "Start Talking." "These classes help a woman get in touch with her sexuality," Rapini says. "And they also work a woman's core." Stretching and strengthening the pelvic floor can help with sagging and stretching, she says. "Many women don't have orgasms in midlife because of a pelvic floor that is stretched or sagging," Rapini says.
4. Schedule sex into your calendar--even if you don't feel like it when the time comes. After the first five minutes of foreplay, you'll be glad you made time for sex. And if you need motivation for have sex, consider that it may keep you healthy. "Orgasms are good for a woman's health, good for the immune system, and good for the cardiovascular system," Rapini says.
5. Masturbate. "It focuses awareness on your genitals and your sexuality," Rapini says. "You learn what feels good and what doesn't, so you can tell your partner."
6. If you're married, do something exciting. "If you go out for dinner together, it's high on the pleasant scale but not the excitement scale," Rapini says. "But if you go skiing or white water rafting, it involves more excitement than pleasure. And this is actually better for a relationship."
7. Start doing something with your partner or spouse that the two of you keep a secret from others. "The thing that makes having an affair so hot is because the couple is engaging in something that's totally private," Rapini says. Obviously, you don't want to have an actual affair, but the two of you can do something that's high on the excitement scale--like a rendezvous in a motel at lunch.
8. Buy some pretty panties or splurge on a new signature scent, Rapini says. "When you are enticed by the smell of yourself, you are acting more sexual and sensual," she says.
9. Switch up your roles when it comes to initiating sex. If you've always been the pursuer, let your partner be the pursuer and you take on the role of the distancer.
10. Don't overlook sexy behaviors that you can engage in together that don't involve actual intercourse. Hugging, snuggling and kissing can go a long way toward making the two of you feel close, Reynolds says.
11. If you've taken a pass from sex on a night that your partner was interested, it's up to you to then initiate sex the next time. If the other person is always doing the pursuing and getting turned down, he or she becomes resentful and stops asking," Reynolds says. "And then the couple stop having sex."
12. Assess if external problems for either half of the couple, like depression, alcoholism, or resentment, could be the cause for the lack of interest in sex. "These are things that should be addressed, and then you'll see a huge difference in your sex life," Reynolds says.
