In a perfect world, you and your partner would want sex simultaneously and you'd both be happy with the amount of intimacy in your relationship. There would be no finger pointing, no self-recrimination, and no feelings of inadequacy on one partner's part and frustration on the other partner's part.
In the real world, it's unlikely that a couple's sexual drive would be so perfectly in synch. But understanding the differences in sex drive between a man and a woman can be the first step in helping the two of you get on the same page - and helping you both feel satisfied with your sex life.
Why the differences in sex drive? "A woman's sexual arousal occurs after desire," explains Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST, clinical director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles. "She has to want her partner psychologically. Female desire is directly related to the relationship context."
A woman's desire for intimacy comes from how she's feeling about her partner, and when she's feeling loving and connected to him, she's more likely to want to be sexual.
Guys tend to have stronger sexual urges "and their sex drive is not relationally based the way a woman's is," Katehakis says.
Men also tend to need more consistent sexual activity than women, and they don't need the relationship to be perfectly harmonious in order to want sex, she explains. For instance, say a couple has a heated argument. Nothing life-changing, but upsetting just the same. An hour after the bickering ends, the guy's totally ready for sex. "But she's still processing it," Katehakis says. "The woman really will not feel like sex until she has processed the argument and has had time to settle down."
While you and your partner may never have the exact same sex drive, you can remedy the differences so you'll both feel cherished--and both feel like making love. Here's how.
1. Remove items from your bedroom that does not have to do with sex and sleeping, recommend Matt Titus, dating coach, relationship expert and co-author of Why Hasn't He Called? "You want beautiful sheets, beautiful pillows and no noise except maybe white noise," he says.
2. Get regular cardiovascular exercise (running, walking, elliptical trainer) and get it early in the day. "That causes endorphin release throughout the day, which in turn makes it easier for arousal and for a higher libido," Titus says. Also, he says, the increased blood flow from regular exercise can make you feel better and look better.
3. Work on your relationship with your partner, Katehakis says. "Men may roll their eyes and say, 'why do we need to talk about this again?' " she says. "But to reconcile differences in sex drive, it's important to really focus on your relationship."
4. Take a "relationtrip," Titus advises. This means going away for two to four days, just the two of you. "To protect and maintain your connection to each other, you need to leave the immediate environment and take a trip," he says, adding that a relationtrip should happen at least twice a year. "It helps to keep the sexual connection." And without that sexual connection, the relationship is at risk, Titus says.
5. It may sound counter-intuitive, but initiate sex with your partner even if you don't feel like it, Titus says. After a couple of minutes, you'll be in the mood, he says. "The tactile sense of someone touching you and you touching your partner will put you in the mood for making love," Titus explains.
