The only thing an exhausted new mother wants to do when she's lucky enough to fall into bed is sleep. Husbands may be okay with the no-sex routine for awhile—they're exhausted, too—but then they start wondering whether they've been permanently displaced by an tiny intruder whose needs must be met 24/7 and who seems to know just when Mom and Dad are trying to have a little alone time.
New mothers, besides recovering physically, are also caught up in an emotional roller coaster fueled by hormonal changes and the realization that life will never be quite the same. "New dads can be jealous and resentful of the love that their wife is taking away from them to bestow upon their child," says Carole Lieberman, MD, a psychiatrist who is on the faculty of UCLA.
While your sex life will never be quite as spontaneous and carefree as it was when you first dated, you can achieve a rich, satisfying sex life that may be even better than before. Keep in mind that:
1. An exhausted woman is rarely in the mood. New dads should help out in all areas, not just baby care. Dads should pitch in with the laundry, running errands, cleaning and even cooking. Dads should also realize that new moms need a little time for themselves. Encouraging a new mom to go out for coffee with a friend or to get her nails done can help her to feel a little less overwhelmed—and ultimately, more in the mood for sex.
2. It's crucial that you find ways to spend together as a couple without the baby, advises Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. Ask a grandparent or trusted friend to watch our baby even for just a few hours. "Use this time to re-boot your couple relationship, and don't push for sex only," she advises. "Your wife needs some help to pull her focus from the baby and back on your couple relationship." Affection goes a long way here, so engage in plenty of hugging and smooching.
3. It's hard for a woman to feel sexy after having a baby. Her breasts are engorged or leaking, she may still be feeling sore from a C section, and she feels fat and unattractive. Body image is very important to a new mom, and it always feels nice to get a compliment from a new dad. Once you get your doctor's okay, start exercising again by taking walks with the baby or maybe enrolling in a Pilates or yoga class. You'll start feeling better as the pounds drop off, but don't expect miracles. In the meantime, treat yourself to a new haircut, go for a facial, or get a massage.
4. A lot of the way a new mom is feeling has to do with hormones. "And the hormones can lead to anxiety, irritability and even some depression," says Irina Firstein, LCSW. "Keep in mind that it's normal and that it won't last forever." Simply talking out your feelings can help a new mom who's feeling overwhelmed and anxious, so it's important for dads to just listen.
5. You don't have to wait until you're in bed at night for sex. Infants take long naps at all hours of the day, so take advantage of when your baby is sleeping to spend a little couple time in bed together. And since babies sleep so soundly, you'll have plenty of time during one of those long daytime naps to reconnect with each other and rekindle your love for each other.
