If your partner likes watching porn occasionally, it's probably nothing to worry about. But if he's obsessive about it, hunkering down at his computer in another room for hours on end, then there may be a problem.
The Upside
Pornography is a visual medium, explains Peter Kanaris, Ph.D. "And we tend to be visually oriented when it comes to sex," he says. "So for men, porn becomes a very easy stimulus to be able to generate or trigger desirable sexual responses."
Porn can be very valuable for people who are just learning about sex and self-exploration, Kanaris says. "And for a person in a relationship, it can add to the excitement," he explains. "Some of the feelings and even some of the behaviors that are generated by porn can be brought into a couple's relationship in a positive way."
People use pornography to feed their fantasies, to excite them sexually and to bring that excitement into a relationship, says Edward Schechtman, Ph. D. "So it can be very positive for a relationship if it doesn't offend the sensibilities of one of the partners," he says. "They might share a pornographic book, or watch a film together."
The Downside
Porn can become self-isolating. "It becomes compulsive for some people to the point where a person prefers porn to a real, live relationship," Kanaris says. "We're fond of using the word 'addictive' in relation to porn, though this is not an established scientific explanation."
A compulsive commitment to porn also can get very expensive, Schechtman says, since many of the porn sites require payment. "It can be as expensive as any other bad habit people get, be it drugs or alcohol," he points out. "It's also something that can be abused if it is used as an excuse to escape."
To know if you have an individual has a problem, use the following checklist. Does the person:
- Avoid work because of porn
- Avoiding participation in social activities so that he can view porn instead
- Allow pornography to interfer with his relationship(s)
If you've answered yes to any or all, Kanaris says, these are signs that you need to rethink the amount of time you spend on porn.
Some 12-step recovery programs offer help to those who are too involved with porn, Schechtman says. "These groups can be good because they give people access to others seven days a week, 24 hours a day," he says. "But unless the person comes to understand what it is that drives them to feel so out of control and overwhelmed, and unless they learn new coping mechanisms, they won't get to the root of the problem."
